Diablo Valley College has a plethora of geese.

Unfortunately for DVC’s buildings and grounds department, this means a lot more cleaning up of fecal matter (aka shit).

DVC recently spent $50 million on the new commons area, and they didn’t exactly intend for it to get shat all over.

With this, it’s understandable why there’s a push by John Nahlen, Vice President of Business Administration at DVC, to get rid of geese around campus. Nahlen has been taking recent initiatives to try and prevent geese from nesting on campus rooftops by installing strobe lights, which essentially disrupt geese sleep patterns, and passive aggressively tell geese to kindly leave.

Nahlen is making sure that no inhumane ways of dealing with the campus geese are being used — he instead is looking for humane ways to slowly get them off campus.

Helen DeMarco, a Nutrition Professor and Program Coordinator at DVC, used to enjoy watching a goose nest outside her third floor office window in the Science Center building.

Abruptly, a few weeks ago, DeMarco came into her office one morning to find the goose nest abandoned with its eggs smashed — and next to the nest, a large, out of place rock. 

The destruction had to be human caused, and seemed to go against Nahlen’s understanding — yet resentful — plans against geese.

DeMarco was, and still is, very upset about this recent demolition. She’s gone to the buildings and grounds department and demanded an answer for such an unlawful act; yet she wasn’t given one.

That’s when she reached out to me: Marcel, the down on his luck reporter. I quickly took the case — eager to get my reporter’s badge back and earn The Inquirer’s respect again, but it wasn’t going to be easy. I needed answers, and I needed them fast. Deadline was coming at me like a goose turd hitting the new commons pavement. 

That’s when I went to Nahlen: He’d have the answer’s, but he’d be a tough egg to crack (pun), so I needed a disguise….

I ended up dropping my disguise, my hard boiled detective act, and my ice cream before making it into Nahlen’s office. If I was going to get an answer, I was going to have to take on Nahlen mono e mono.

So I asked Mr. Nahlen, “Do you know anything about the destruction of some goose eggs on campus?” and to my surprise, Nahlen gave me a very straightforward answer. He said, “I have knowledge of one employee who destroyed some nests and it shouldn’t have happened,” Nahlen continued, “He is a part time worker and his job, at that time, was to clean the gutters. We talked to him about the incident, and we’re going to use it as a learning experience for our staff.”

The answer I’d been looking for was given to me on a silver platter. My case was finished. Professor DeMarco could have some closure with the eggs, and I’d finally have my title back at the newspaper.

But there’s still one part missing, and that’s of course my opinion about the removal of geese on campus….

Well, I’m not willing to share my opinion about that, but I’m willing to share some advice: I think Mr. Nahlen and the science department should figure out a compromise — because as shitty as geese can be (pun), they also add to the biodiversity of campus.