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“Vampires Suck” says it all

Actor Ken Jeong of Vampires Suck (Courtesy of WikiCommons)
Actor Ken Jeong of “Vampires Suck” (Courtesy of WikiCommons)

Let’s hop into a time machine all the way back to the year 2000. People were slowly recovering from Y2K paranoia, George W. Bush was preparing the second official “Bush Family Invasion” of the White House, and Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer were beginning their laser-precise assault on quality filmmaking with their contributions to the red-headed-stepchild of B-movies, “Scary Movie.”

One would assume that “Scary Movie” would have triggered the systematic assassination of everyone tied to the film by government trained, counter-terrorist, sleeper agents, but it seems the film was too terrifying even for them and thus, the Friedberg/Seltzer combo has continued to produce their so called “films” in an attempt to teach young people what it’s like to truly live in hell.

Their latest Frankenstein-like combination of horrible writing and bad acting rears its ugly head in the form of “Vampires Suck.”  The film’s premise is to take all of the bad things about the “Twilight” film series, leave them perfectly intact, and throw in enough unfunny gags to make it even more unbearable. If Friedberg and Seltzer were trying to make a film that would induce a blinding event even Jesus couldn’t reverse, they may have succeeded. 

Hyperbole aside, “Vampires Suck” is filled to the brim with so called “comedy.”  The word comedy is in quotations because I can only assume that the jokes from this film were conceived by taking little strips of paper and writing things like “fart joke,” “low hanging fruit,” and “unfunny drivel,” throwing them into a hat, picking them out, pasting them on the “joke goes here” portions of the script, and then handing it off to a troop of rhesus monkeys to do the fine tuning and really give the script its pizzazz.

There really aren’t any other words I can use to describe how unfunny this movie is without including a troop of rhesus monkeys because, based on its simplistic and juvenile humor, a troop of monkeys is probably the films intended audience.

While the search for anything positive to say about this movie has proved itself to be quite daunting, there is a small silver lining in the form of the young Jenn Proske. Her ability to imitate the tension-less tension and Parkinson’s like shudder of Kristen Stewart in the “Twilight” series is spot on and is about the only positive thing I can say about this movie. Even the presence of Mad TV regular Ike Barinholtz couldn’t make this movie any better.

While I’m sure this film will make another $80 million just like its abhorrent predecessors, “Meet the Spartans” and “Epic Movie,” this is my call out to everyone who considers themselves good and decent folk. Please, do not continue to support this franchise. I am here on proverbial bended knee to beg you, the possible supporters of the evil Friedberg/Seltzer film making empire, to think about the choice you may be about to make and save that money for something more enjoyable, like new socks.


Contact Troy Patton at [email protected]

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About the Contributor
Troy Patton
Troy Patton, Arts & Features Editor
Arts and features editor, spring 2013.

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“Vampires Suck” says it all