‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ not worth fifty cents of pay

Daniel Maraccini, Features editor

The Inquirer thought sending a male student to see “Fifty Shades of Grey” would be a good idea. They thought he could make something funny out of it.

But after watching this film I realize any moron who paid the $11 ticket fee could accomplish this. There is the question of whether you’re laughing at the moron or laughing with him, but that’s beside the point.

The point is “Fifty Shades of Grey” is funny, and people who talk about funny things (like sexy virgins who work at hardware stores, or billionaire playboys who engage in post-coital piano sessions) are, for however long they talk about it, funny.

 Sorry to bog you down with a description of this truly idiotic premise, but that’s how reviews go:

Sexy virgin college student who reads books, Anastasia Steele, (Dakota Johnson) goes to ask sexy billionaire bachelor, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), stupid questions for stupid newspaper interview.

It starts when the sexy blonde desk lady in the grey suit leads the sexy college student who reads books into the sexy billionaire’s office.

After stupid questions are stupidly asked, sexy billionaire bachelor tells sexy college girl who reads books “What about you? I’d like to know more about you.” (Note to all students who suddenly want to join The Inquirer: no one you interview will ever say this).

Fast forward for however long it takes to eat a box of Chocolate Raisinets, passing through such memorable lines as “I’d like to bite that lip,” and “I’d like to see your face,” the viewer finds him or herself watching sexy college girl who reads books getting nailed by sexy billionaire bachelor.

It is not a heart-warming scene, but the cinematography and lighting is probably better than any other porno you’ll watch.

Fast forward through post-coital piano session, and sexy college girl who reads books frying bacon while dancing to the Rolling Stones’ 1978 hit single “Beast of Burden,” and the viewer is introduced to “the playroom.”

“The playroom” is the most beautiful place you will ever see: luscious green ivy drapes the walls, golden light shines through the bedside window and little cherub boys play beautiful song from the back corner.

Just kidding, it’s a sex dungeon.

There’s a bunch of metal rods and mopish torture devices that look like scalps of Rastafarian men. Also, a post where women are bound with silk ties can be pulled down from the string on the ceiling.

I’m running out of room so I’ll outline the rest:

BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism) contract is proposed, then Ana and Christian go at it.

Ana considers the contract, but in the mean time gets spanked, this time with an actual choir who sound like cherubs singing in the background.

Ana is sad that Christian spanks her, but then continues to go at it with him.

Ana gets whipped during what I think was the movie’s climax. Ana dumps Christian, then bids awkward farewell as elevator door closes.

In all seriousness, don’t see this movie. Don’t see movies that vaguely resemble this movie. By that I mean don’t see bad movies. See movies like “Boyhood,” “Whiplash” or “Spongebob: Sponge Out of Water” (he won’t be around forever guys).

Please start seeing good movies. If you do this more often I won’t have to keep seeing garbage like “Fifty Shades of Grey.”